ive never felt so empty and alone. its me losing the greatest friend ive had...
soooooo.... here goes nothing...
what is it now? four weeks of this horrendous figthing and misunderstandings? four weeks of this tip toeing and whispering as if not to offend the other? four gruesome weeks full of awkward talking and let down feelings? and finally, four fucking weeks of a gaping hole in my oh so loving heart.
could it be? third time shes broken it? nah, i wont give her that much credit...yet.
it sucks. ever since freshman year it was us. the greatest of friends and the kids who fed off each others happiness. the two children laughing at the downfalls of others and having the time of their lives. i taught her sarcasm and wit, she tought me how to be uncontrollably and uninteruptedly happy.
we were even in love at one time. we even had that time together. i always thought i knew what it was to fall in love till i got all tangled up in her. she changed me. she turned me into something that can actually love and feel it.
so many memories friend wise and together wise. as friends, i loved every second. never a dull moment. if you ever saw us, youd find us laughing and joking. poking fun and engaging in serious conversation. she helped me with life's dirty baggage, and i helped her. we were each others life counselers, and we were both so very good at it.
i dont think ive ever loved a girl more. i could safely call her my best friend. i could safely say i loved her.
staying up till the ungodly hours of the night, talking on the phone about random nothingness. discussing matters only we cared about. she knew each and every one of my secrets. she was the only one i kept nothing from. nothing at all. she new my mind, she knew my soul. we knew each other so well, that we became predictable. but, predictable in the good way. the funny way. she used to tell me how many layers of clothing she was wearing on a particular day, and shed make me guess where she got her clothes. and i loved her for this. i still owe her 7 bags of skittles because of bets i hoplessly lost.
i remember it was just me and her the whole junior year afterschool. well, lots of it, like 90 percent. us in the back of the school, in our spot. wed stay there for hours talking, laughing and just plain out enjoying ourselves. i got grounded i dont know how many times because of her. id have to be home at 5 and get home at 7. i remember that one time when her parents thought she died, and my parents did too. everyone was looking for us. we worried the world, but we were content and happy in our own little worlds. thinking nothing of anything.
i remember her favorite band being good charolette when i first met her, and me giving her hell about it. oh man, this one time i told her to download the happiness in slavery video from nine inch nails (its a horribly gory and disturbing video). she came to me the next day asking me what the fuck it was that i told her to download. "some weird german porn killing?" i was on the floor laughing. i remember the random useless presents wed give each other. just find a piece of trash and put to tommy from micky. oh man, i have a drawer full of that stuff. yea, i kept it. it was funny.
now...its no more. these four weeks tearing at us, ripping our great friendship apart. making us evenmore stubborn than we already are. these four motherfucking weeks i curse to hell. not talking, feelings of replacement, loss of words, awkward silences, giving up...
my redhead is gone. no more friendship. i dont know if its for sure. yes, im the one that came up with the idea. stupid you may say. yea, i agree. but the figthing had to stop for our sanity. i came home and wanted to die.
my heart feels lonely, and my soul is left broken. her and i, a team no one could beat. her and i, a duo that could rule the earth.
so many promises that may be left undone. and fuck, that makes me really sad. im at a loss for words.
im gonna say it. im gonna mean it. i miss her, and i regret what i said, but...maybe it was for the better? maybe everything will come back to how it was. ::sigh::
excuse me while i paint the walls with my brains.
bye... Current Mood: numb